40Days to Transform Your Life!

Advice for Muslim mums - from Sister Rose!

2011-04-05T21:50:00.002+01:00

Bismillah

Many of you wanted to improve your relationships with your children over these 40 days. One of the areas I find particularly difficult is that of discipline - children these days just don't listen like they used to!

So I asked a wonderful sister for some advice on how to get my children to listen without turning into the Wicked Witch of the West. Her name is Rose Ali, otherwise known as Grandma Jeddah and this is what she had to say. Feel free to respond or comment below.

Assalamu Alaikum Sister Na’ima,

Disciplining without hitting is a skill that is developed. It also involves certain techniques. You certainly haven’t failed in training your children. You may simply need to learn a few effective techniques that will help you to better control your children’s behavior. Also, keep in mind that children have different temperaments. Some may need a different approach than others.

The first thing you want to do with your children is offer them incentives for desired behavior. Most people resent exerting themselves in activities they don’t enjoy. They need a good reason to do it. Mothers clean their homes because it would be difficult to live in a messy house. Fathers work because if they didn’t they wouldn’t have a home for their family to live in. Kids need incentives, too.

One of the most successful incentive programs--it’s worked wonders in my home--is the star chart system. Without my going into detail, you will find this discipline method in my book on pages 83 – 90 insha’Allah. Believe me, it really works. Accompanied with the star chart system, you’ll find information on the penalty system . . . which leads to my second point—consistency.

Make certain you follow through on your penalties when your children fail to perform their chores. If they see that sometimes rules are enforced and other times they are not, they will learn that if they stall long enough, they won’t have to get the job done.

Another important point about penalties (such as removing stars, putting up checks or removing privileges) is not to show negative emotions when implementing your penalties. Do not show your child you are angry with his behavior. Some children starting around about 7-years-old may intentionally wish to make you angry. This often occurs when the child feels he has been treated unfairly. The benefit and resolve he feels in getting you angry may far outweigh any penalty you can dish out—this includes hitting. The way to combat this behavior is to remain calm during the discipline process. This leads to my next point. Sometimes we parents need help controlling our own emotions.

Many times parents hit their children because they’re angry at the child’s behavior not because they want to correct the behavior. It’s very important to make sure you are in control of your emotions when disciplining. This may sound like a cliché, but counting to 10 or retreating to your room to calm down when angry can indeed help you release steam. Also, according to hadith, The Prophet (saw) suggested sitting if you’re standing and reclining if you’re sitting when angry. Once you’re in control of yourself, you can consider ways to correct your child’s behavior without hitting or shouting. Secret 4, pages 73 – 104 in my book lists over a dozen ways to help control children's behavior without hitting or shouting.

I strongly suggest complimenting your children when you see them picking up their clothes off the floor, not eating in their room or putting the jam away. Give them a pat on the back, a hug, a kiss. Tell them how much you appreciate it when they do these things. This might correct 90 % of your problem.

Remember, too, your children are just that--children. They get distracted, they have dislikes, and they are not of mature minds. With your love and consistency, they will remember what you taught them during their childhood, and grow to be responsible adults, insha’allah.

Finally, make du’a for them frequently, and ask Allah to help you guide them in the best way.

Let’s put all of what I said in a nut shell.

1. Remember, disciplining children is something that involves certain skills and techniques. These skills must be practiced.

2. Give your children incentives for completing chores and responsibilities.

3. Be consistent with penalties.

4. Avoid showing your anger when disciplining.

5. Remember that for some parents, hitting is a habit and is often done out of anger not for correcting behavior.

6. Praise your children when you see them fulfilling their duties.

7. Explore, on your own, ways of disciplining without hitting.

8. Try to emulate the Prophet’s (SAW) character in raising children, with gentleness.

9. Remember-- they are just children.

10. Make dua often for Allah’s guidance.

May Allah bless all your children to be a comfort for you and your family and to grow up as Muslims who will please Allah.

Your Sister in Islam

Sister Rose

If you'd like to get a copy of the e-book Sister Rose is referring to, simply click on this link: http://grandmajeddah.books.officelive.com

Don't forget to tell us about your reactions to this post and how your 40 days are going!

Wasalaam

Na'ima B.

The first of 40 days!

2011-04-03T12:00:00.002+01:00

Bismillah

Too many things have occurred to me in these two days alone, subhanAllah! What with all the wonderful messages from sisters ready to make positive changes in their lives, learning about their 10 habits and how their first day went, I have been overwhelmed by the love and support sisters have displayed.

Alhamdulillah, my first 2 days went well. I drank my hot water with lemon in the morning, both days and worked out: 30 minuted on Day 1, 1.5 hours at the gym on Day 2. I can't tell you how much enjoyment and satisfaction I am getting out of working out and SWEATING these days! For the longest time, I kept putting it off, thinking that I don't have time, telling myself that I'm not that overweight anyway, so who cares? And of course the fact that only those in my private sphere will see me without my overgarment!

However, when I started taking my diet seriously (and by 'diet' I mean my food lifestyle), I realised that I was eating more than I needed to, eating too many of the things that I knew weren't good for me, and eating too often. And the results showed!

So I cut down on the amount of food I was eating and decided to eat mindfully - being aware of and careful about what I was putting into my body. And I started working out.

At first, it was hard to get the enythusiasm to work up a sweat but I was determined: for the sake of my health and for the sake of my looks. I won't lie: I want to look in the mirror and say 'Alhamdulillah' AND 'Masha Allah' because I am truly pleased by what I see. And I think many of us do - it's not about being a size 0, or looking like some air-brushed celebrity; it's about knowing that you have put the effort into looking the way you want to look, being fit, strong and healthy.

So, on the working out front, I am happy with my progress.

I am frustrated with my Qur'an reading though. I have always struggled with reading the Qur'an fluently in Arabic, with getting that flow while reading. Alhamdulillah, I always make progress in Ramadhan - but slip back afterwards.

My frustration with Surah Qaf (which isn't one of the hardest ones there) made me realise that I need to put more time into my Qur'an reading if I ever hope to finish it in Ramadhan. So I will be concentrating on that more, as well as reading with the kids and reviving the star chart. We had a busy weekend! (Well, that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it!)

More insha Allah later today. I noticed that many of you mentioned that you wanted to change the way you interact with your kids. I'll have a special treat for you tomorrow insha Allah: some profound advice from an amazing sister on how to mother without turning into a monster - and how to discipline without disrespecting. Watch this space!

May Allah bless us all with a pure intention and the best fruits of our actions, ameen.

Wasalaam

Na'ima

PS. If you'd like to follow my journey in 'real time', follow me on Twitter (http://twitter.com/#!/naimabrobert)

My 10 Habits

2011-04-02T20:33:00.000+01:00

Asalaamu alaikum,

As part of my 40Days to transformation, I have picked 10 habits that are related to mind, body, soul and family.

With regards my soul, I pledge to:

1. Spend 10 minutes a day with the Qur'an (reading, reciting, memorising, reading tafseer)

2. Do one act of kindness from the Sunnah every day (smiling, salaam, gift, writing to or calling a relative or sister, giving charity etc.) with a purified intention

3. Pray with longer surahs, with more khushoo', on time

With regards my mind, I pledge to:

4. Write 500 words a day (work on my blog, journal, article, or books)

With regards my body, I pledge to:

5. Exercise for 15-30 minutes each day

6. Do a week-long detox

7. Dress 'properly', from head to toe, every day - no 'New Muslim Tramp' here!

With regards my family, I pledge to:

8. Revive our ailing star chart system

9. Share a book with my children for 15 minutes each day

10. Do an act of kindness for the Hubster every day

Pheew!! Is this going to be hard?? Not with a solid intention, much du'a and the support of my sisters!

What are your 10 habits, sisters? Please share them with us or write them down where you can SEE them!

Wasalaam

Na'ima B.

Dreaming of a different me

2011-03-22T09:32:00.000Z

Bismillah

Asalaamu alaikum warahmatullah, my dear sisters and fellow travellers.

Our life coach at SISTERS Magazine, Sayeda Habib, advises us to visualise the life that we want, in great detail.
I won't bore you with the details of my dream here but I will share with you some of the central characteristics of the 'dream me'.

"I am a Muslimah who honours her relationship with her Lord, who honours her deen.
I am a woman who honours the body that her Lord gave her, nurturing it with the right food, keeping it healthy, building its strength and stamina for a life of vigour, passion and service to others.
I am a wife who honours her relationship with her man, who nurtures it, never taking it for granted.
I am a mother who honours her bond with her children, giving freely of herself, taking her role seriously.
I am a family member and friend who honours the code of family and sisterhood, who takes time to be there, to remember, to share and to listen.
I am a colleague who honours her responsibilities within the team, who respect her team mates and is true to her word.
I am a human being with honour and integrity.
I am a Muslim who is mindful of all of the above."

That is the 'dream me'.

Now it's your turn to dream of a different you. What is she like? Tell us here or tell it to yourself but make it real in your mind and write it down, read over it. Let the vision fill you with hope and excitement about the journey to come.

Of course, nothing is possible without the help of Allah ta'ala and we depend on Him for success - but it starts here, with a wish, with an intention, with a du'a.

Get to know the 'dream you', give her a hug - give her my salaam. Tell her 'marhaban'...

Na'ima B.

PS> To read the article on visualisation and achieving balance in your life, click here.

40Days to transform - can I do it? Can you?

2011-03-19T19:31:00.003Z

Bismillah

Ok, so what began as a germ of an idea yesterday has sprouted already!

Here's the deal: I am tired of stress, I am tired of chaos, I am tired of letting myself go and letting myself down. Over the years, I have tried to make so many changes. I have made lists and schedules and programmes and, after a week, sometimes less, I am back to square one, shaking my head at yet another failed attempt at self-improvement.

Well, this time I am trying something different. I have decided to give myself 40 days to make 10 resolutions and stick to them - and, to ensure I do, I have decided to make it public. That's right, the resolutions, the motivations, the daily reports and insights - and the photo evidence!

I will be enlisting the help and support of qualified, experienced sisters to mentor me - sisters with strong iman, life coaches, health and fitness experts, experts on parenting, wise women - to guide me and keep me motivated. I will be reading and sharing wisdom from Islamic teachings and others, from the Internet and SISTERS Magazine. But I am also counting on the support of you, the readers.

But hey, how about we do this together? If you are anything like me, you know what you want to change but may sometimes lack the motivation or stick-with-itness to make your resolutions truly lasting.

So how about we do this: I'll show you mine and you show us yours. I'll share my 10 habits and you can choose 10 of your own. Then we'll meet here, every day for 40 days to encourage and to remind each other, to commiserate over our little failures and celebrate our successes.

I really want to do this and would appreciate your companionship on this journey of transformation, due to start on Friday the 1st of April bi'idhnillah. In my next post, I will share my 10 resolutions with you. Hopefully, you will have decided on 10 of your own and will be willing to share them :)

“Truly, Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (Quran 13:11)

I'm ready for a change, a real, lasting one this time. With the aid of Allah ta'ala and the support of our sisters, let's strive for 40Days to transform our lives, 10 habits at a time.
Who's in?

Wasalaam

Na'ima B. Robert

The latest issue of SISTERS Magazine!

2009-03-20T08:24:00.000Z

My own private Ramadhan - article in The Times

2008-09-02T13:09:00.000+01:00

The Times
August 29, 2008
‘Late afternoon is the hardest part of the daily fast’
Ramadan, now upon us, brings special joys and challenges for Muslim women in Britain
Na'ima B. Robert

Imagine that you cannot eat or drink from just before dawn until sunset, every day, for 30 days. No morning latte, no lunch, no afternoon tea, no snack. No wonder many non-Muslims imagine that hunger and a sombre atmosphere of austere religious devotion are the dominant themes of Ramadan. The reality of the month of fasting is, I’m happy to say, quite different.

For the fasting Muslim, Ramadan is a time of hope and excitement, of sacrifice and of celebration, of individual purification and community renewal, of time to focus on yourself and time to reconnect with family. And, while Ramadan is like a physical and spiritual detox programme, it also involves some very practical considerations, like when to shop, to cook, to run errands, how to be home in time for iftar — the breaking of the fast after sunset — and whether the children will manage the long tarawih prayers in the mosque.

One priority is the all-important Ramadan shop — no one wants to be caught out when iftar is less than an hour away. Typically it means trips to the supermarket for staples — cereal, rice, pasta, juice — the market for fruit and vegetables and the halal butchers for baby chickens for a quick roast, mince for shepherd’s pie and kebabs or lamb for a hearty Moroccan soup.

It is important not to forget the obligatory Algerian dates. I am sure mine is not the only Muslim family that develops a close relationship with dates during Ramadan. This is because it is the Sunnah, the way of our Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), to break the fast with dates or water. And indeed, the long day’s hunger and thirst can make a simple meal such as dates and water taste like the finest food on earth.

Planning your time in Ramadan is crucial. Work and housework go on. It is a constant challenge to fit everything, including extra time for worship, into a day. Giving the house a “Ramadan clean” beforehand cuts the household workload during the days ahead. Deadlines have to be scrutinised too. Is there anything you can get out of the way before Ramadan begins? Can anything be delayed?

Typically, Muslims like to break the fast together as a family, and that may mean some juggling. Food must also be prepared before sunset for iftar — easy enough in spring and summer months, but trickier in winter when supper time is essentially 5pm.

I have long become used to cooking on an empty stomach — and not being able to take a nibble. A taste on the tongue is allowed, to check the seasoning, but no food should pass your lips in order to keep your fast intact.

So how do we mothers keep up our energy while fasting? The trick is to eat a hearty suhoor (the pre-dawn meal). We also drink plenty of water before the fast begins.

The late afternoon is always the hardest part of the fast. This is when the rumbles of the stomach become more insistent, nerves start to fray and time slows to a crawl. I try to snatch a rest in the early afternoon. This helps me to keep up my energy, particularly when the kids are all home and need attention. That is the time for stories, for homework and distractions for the hungry fasting ones.

I like to involve the children in preparing the iftar: laying the table, cutting the fruit, getting out the dates, filling glasses with water and milk, waiting for the adhan on the radio that signals the end of the day’s fast. That moment is one of anticipation and excitement and even the little ones who have not fasted (children are not expected to fast until puberty) will break their fast with a date or two, a bunch of grapes and other treats such as samosas, doughnuts and savoury pastries.

In the evenings there are tarawih prayers in the mosque, in which the whole Koran is recited over the month. These prayers are longer than normal and draw worshippers out of their homes every night. As a student I attended tarawih almost every night with my friends. This is not so easy with small children in tow, and a babysitting rota with fathers, family or friends can be a life-saver. And of course, you can pray the tarawih prayers at home once the kids have gone to bed. This is your private time, all the more precious for being scarce in a month full of fasting, family, friends and food.

Ramadan does not always turn out to be the spiritual fix we long for. Daily life has a habit of getting in the way. We cannot abstain from the daily grind as we can from food and drink. We cannot even put it on hold somewhat, as they do in the Muslim world where they enjoy reduced working hours, shortened school hours, and national holidays for Eid at the end of Ramadan. And, of course, no one ever eats in public during daylight hours. In the UK, as in the rest of the non-Muslim world, life does not slow down: you are still expected to keep your deadlines and stay sharp in the office; the school run does not stop, babies must be fed and changed and sibling skirmishes averted.

Being a fasting Muslim on lunchbreak is like being a tree in a storm: your senses are assaulted from all sides and it is all you can do to bury your head in your miniature Koran and remember the reward promised the fasting person: to enter Paradise from the gate of Ar-Rayyan. And of course the samosas you know are waiting for you at sunset.

On a personal level I have been thinking about this year’s Ramadan. So much about my life is different from those early years of fasting. I am a mother of three boys now, expecting a fourth child, a working writer and I run my own magazine.

This Ramadan I am not so much thinking of the social aspects of the month, nor am I planning complicated dishes to treat my fasting guests. This year I would like to focus on the quieter aspects of the month of worship: concentrating on my prayers, reading the Koran with sincerity and an open heart, waking in the last part of the night to pray, fasting with awareness, increasing in the acts of worship that are quiet and secret: charity, sharing, kindness, forgiveness, reaching out, opening up, being there for others, being a better, more patient mother.

A tall order, I know, but Ramadan has a way of filling us with good intentions, with hope and confidence in our resolutions. As Muslims we believe that Ramadan is a sacred month in which we free ourselves up to concentrate on our life’s purpose, to tune in to our spirituality, to reconnect with our Creator.

It is my sincere hope that, in between children and work, friends and family, I will find my own private Ramadan, a spiritual sanctuary to call my own. And, if all goes well, I will emerge energised, rejuvenated, cleansed, ready to take on the world again.

Na’ima B. Robert is the editor of Sisters magazine for Muslim women and the author of From Somalia with Love. Read her online Ramadan diary: timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith

Preparing for Ramadhan

2008-09-02T12:59:00.001+01:00

August 29, 2008
faithonline

The fasting season: Ramadan is nearly upon us
The ins and outs of Ramadan for a Muslim housewife and mother
Na'ima B. Robert

Ramadhan is now less than a few days away and I can already feel the butterflies in my stomach, the excitement and anticipation that it's THAT time of the year again. This is of course accompanied by a rising panic when I realise that I am not nearly as prepared as I should be: I haven't read up on it all again to get myself in the right frame of mind for a month of intense worship, nor have I done the meg-shop in which my trolley groans under the weight of all the 'essentials' I hope to have in my cupboards, nor have I stocked up on my favourite Iranian dates, cherry juice, baby chickens and mutton at the halal butchers, nor have I prepared the Ramadhan activities I plan to share with the kids.

I'm useless!

You see, I learnt many years ago that a fulfilling British Ramadhan is made, not born. If you want to get the most out of this sacred month that seems to wave goodbye almost as soon as she has said hello, you need to prepare with almost military precision.

That means getting the practicalities out of the way - food shopping, major house cleaning, major assignments - and clearing the decks for all the good deeds you wish you had been doing throughout the year but never got round to. These typically include praying extra prayers with increased devotion, reciting the Qur'an daily, giving charity, keeping your temper, staying away from regular gossip sessions and basically being the paragon of virtue, sweetness and light for the next twenty nine or thirty days.

A tall order, but do-able as countless Muslim will attest, I'm sure. But anyway, back to practicalities. Obviously, if you are not going to be eating or drinking from before sunrise to sunset, you need to make sure that your apres-fast diet is packed full of the necessary nutrients to keep you going for the rest of the month without keeling over halfway through. For me, this means cramming in your 'five a day' right when you break your fast: dates, bananas, oranges, and apples are a favourite in my house. And of course, that first sip of water tastes so sweet after the day's thirst - you need to drink as much water as possible to replenish lost moisture.

Cooking in Ramadhan can be a challenge. Unless you are super organised, you end up doing it when you are at your hungriest: the last part of the afternoon. Add the smells of good things cooking - nourishing soups, fragrant curries and succulent roast chickens - and the fact that you can't really taste anything, and you've got a foolproof recipe for major tummy rumbles. Maybe that is another reason food tastes so wonderful after you've been fasting. And one of the sweetest pleasures of Ramadhan is sharing that food with others, be it as a bring-along dish at the mosque or with guests in the comfort of your home or, even more special, food given to a stranger you may never see again.

But Ramadhan is about much more than food. At it's most potent and most powerful, it a detox for body and soul. It is chance for Muslims to focus once again on our life's purpose, to tune into our spirituality, to re-establish our connection with our Creator. I like to write a list of my Ramadhan goals so that I can chart my progress: have I been slipping with my prayers? Have I read as much Qur'an as I intended to? Have I invited that nice sister from the mosque home for iftar? Have I been patient and hugged my kids enough? Without a list and a Ramadhan journal, I often feel I run out of steam and fall behind on my goals - so super-achiever tactics are in order.

However, Ramadhan doesn't always turn out to be the spiritual fix we long for. The main reason for this is that daily life has a habit of getting in the way. We aren't able to abstain from the daily grind as we can from food and drink. We can't even put it on hold somewhat, as they do in the Muslim world where they enjoy reduced working hours, shortened school hours, and national holidays for Eid - and, of course, no-one ever eats in public during daylight hours! In the UK, as in the rest of the non-Muslim world, life does not slow down: you are still expected to keep your deadlines, stay razor-sharp in the boardroom, the school run doesn't disappear, babies must be fed and changed and sibling skirmishes averted. Being a fasting Muslim on lunchbreak is like being a tree in the eye of the storm: your senses are assaulted from all sides and it's all you can do to bury your head in your miniature Qur'an and remember the reward promised the fasting person: to enter Paradise from the gate of Ar-Rayyan. And of course the samosas you know are waiting for you at sunset.

But maybe that is part of the challenge of Ramadhan, and of Islam as a whole: holding on to the spiritual while dealing with the dunya, the 'worldly life'. This challenge may not be as acute in the mountains of Morocco, far from the cut and thrust of modern society with its all-consuming angst, rising fuel costs and congestion charges. And on the occasions when I have had a less than fulfilling month, where I kick myself for losing the flow, for wasting time, for not wringing every ounce of blessing from this special month, I vow that next year I will leave the kids behind and flee to the mountains of Morocco where I can worship my Lord in peace and serenity. But then that wouldn't be real life, would it?

After all, this is where we live, this is where we fast and this is where we worship, in the middle of the canteen. This is our own special jihad, our own personal struggle. And maybe, just maybe, our holy month of Ramadhan is all the more precious for it...

copyright: Na'ima B. Robert

Na'ima B.Robert is editor of Sister's Magazine and the author of From my Sister's Lips
Her latest book is From Somalia with Love

My online diary for The Times online - part 2

2008-09-02T12:53:00.000+01:00

July 25, 2008
Behind the veil: the online diary of a British Muslim woman
Na'ima B. Robert is a Muslim author, a wife and mother living in Britain. In the first of her regular articles for Faith Online she discusses the challenge of living the Islamic faith in a secular democracy.

As a Muslim woman living in the embrace of a vibrantly secular, liberal democratic society, you are constantly caught between two very different worlds.

On the one hand, there is your faith, Islam, a religion and way of life revealed to the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) over 1400 years ago, a religion that affects the way you think, the way you act, the way you speak, dress and eat. It is the world of worship and sacrifice, of duties and voluntary charity. It is the world of faith.

Then, on the other hand, there is the dunya, the "worldly life", where you live, work, study, shop, entertain and unwind. It is a world of trends and societal pressures, deadlines and promotions, summer sales and summer holidays. It is, in a nutshell, the world that almost everyone else lives in full-time.

And, interestingly enough, it is one that many non-Muslims are surprised that religious Muslim women inhabit at all. Despite the number of observant Muslim women active in public life in Britain (Respect party vice-chair Salma Yaqoob, editor and OBE Sara Joseph, activist and journalist Yvonne Ridley, novelist and dramatist Leila Aboulela to name but a few), media representations often fail to be anything more than stereotypes with subtle and not-so-subtle messages that Muslim women are oppressed, powerless, ghettoised, uneducated, devoid of ambition, with an unhealthy addiction to black clothes.

That is the only way I can explain the surprised reaction to the findings of a survey of Muslim women carried out by SISTERS Magazine and Ummah Foods. To some it apparently came as a revelation that Muslim women long for their soul mate and shop on the high street, that we too go out to eat and dream of running our own businesses one day.

This surprise struck me as puzzling. Where did people think we got our clothes from, if not shops like Hennes and Next, Monsoon and Zara? Or maybe they thought that, beneath our hijabs, jilbabs and niqabs, we simply wear more of the same: shapeless sack dresses and bloomers, stitched at home by hand.

What of the hijabi fashionistas, the undercover style queens, the ladies-only parties with beaded evening dresses and glitter hair gems? If nothing else, maybe the BBC television show Women in Black has shown audiences that there is indeed life beneath a black abayah. Do people really think that all Muslim women are victims of forced or 'arranged marriages' who live lives of dutiful obedience and loveless servitude with men who treat them like slaves?

How surprised people would be to learn of the 'halal romance', the deep love and affection felt by many Muslim couples, the years of companionship and support and, of course, numerous babies, that accompany many Muslim marriages. And, of course, even fewer know about the liberal attitude to marital intimacy that is to be found in the books of hadith and Islamic jurisprudence. But that is another story...

In essence, the Muslim woman in the UK is constantly negotiating the space between two worlds: Islam and the 'dunya'; East and West, the past and the future, her individual needs and ambitions and the needs and demands of the wider community.

It is tricky sometimes, straddling the divide, and it requires a great deal of balance, patience and compromise. But we wouldn't have it any other way. By choosing to practise Islam in the UK, this is what we have chosen: to have a foot in both camps and, hopefully, experience the best of both worlds, whatever those worlds may be.

Copyright: Na'ima B.Robert

Na'ima B. Robert is the editor of SISTERS magazine for Muslim women, and the author of From My Sisters' Lips; From Somalia with Love; The Swirling Hijab; My Around the World Scrapbook

Click here to access Sisters magazine

www.nbrobert.co.uk

Life as a Muslim woman in Britain - Part 1

2008-09-02T12:12:00.001+01:00

Islam took me by surprise: Na'ima B Robert's religious journey
Na'ima B. Robert was brought up in Leeds and Zimbabwe and led a typical Western lifestyle before she unexpectedly discovered Islam while holidaying in Eygpt
Na'ima B. Robert

I didn’t become Muslim for any of the reasons for which people often assume Western women decide to convert.

Our perception of Islam is such that we view conversion and, in particular, female conversion, with a sense of incredulity, of mistrust, perhaps even of pity. After all, what woman in her right mind would leave the comforts of a Western lifestyle, the freedom of an emancipated age, the promise of a secular future, for a life of God-consciousness, devotion and prayer – not to mention hijab?

There must be a plausible explanation for such a conversion.

It is often assumed that there is a Muslim man in the background, pulling the strings, offering marriage and family if she agrees to become a Muslim. Another explanation is that she has been brainwashed by a group of religious zealots and just needs time and patience to grow out of this “phase”. Other explanations include a desire to rebel against family and society, to make a political statement, to opt out of normal life, or simply cry out for attention.

But I did not become Muslim for any of these reasons. Before accepting Islam, I was at the height of a successful university career, had a great circle of friends, an active social life and a sense of confidence far surpassing my achievements to date! I wasn’t empty or lost or searching for the meaning of life: the desire for a deeper understanding of my life’s purpose was to come later.

I suppose you could say Islam took me by surprise. I wasn’t looking for it, didn’t expect to find and then, all of a sudden, there it was, on a trip to Egypt: this way of life, rooted in faith, grounded in firm moral principles, based on a belief in One God.

It’s simplicity and the clarity of its message took my breath away: there is only one God worthy of worship, without any partners, and Muhammad (peace be upon him) is His slave and messenger. It was, quite simply, the truth.

I read the Qur’an, that message revealed over 1,400 years ago, and it made sense to me. It was something I could believe, could uphold, could live, even in the UK, in the 21st century.

Unlike some, I admired Islam’s austerity, appreciated the emphasis on conquering one’s ego, of submitting to God with full submission. And so, through questions, debates and patience and prayer, God tamed my rebellious heart and I opened up to His service.

I accepted Islam after researching it for six months. And it’s ironic that, after 10 years as an orthodox Muslim, a niqab-wearing one at that, I look at my life today and find that, once again, I am at the height of a successful career (writing this time), have a great circle of friends, an active social life and a sense of confidence far surpassing my achievements to date. So, no, my life didn’t end when I embraced Islam.

It was just the beginning of a wonderful new journey, one I feel honoured to undertake. I wait to see where it takes me next.

www.nbrobert.co.uk

Copyright: Na'ima B.Robert

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article4400228.ece

A blog too soon

2008-05-07T23:50:00.004+01:00

Bismillah

Ok, after a 'hiatus' (more like a full stop and a coma, yes the spelling is accurate!), I am back (I hope).
Prompted by some manic Facebook activity and an interview slot on Huda TV, I have returned to my Flying Niqabi blog like a long-lost sheep (and yes, I do feel sheepish...)

The Shaykh who was present for most of the show was talking about marrying our children while they are young, even if that means we have to support them, have them live with us etc. because the fitnah that awaits them out in the streets, without the protection of marriage is great and too few parents pay attention to these things in their blind rush to see their children armed with degrees, high paying jobs and a one-way ticket to the top of the career ladder - boys and girls.

This means that Muslims in Muslim countries are delaying marriage until their late 20s, early 30s - and we see the societal effects of that everywhere.
But then he mentioned that, in Yemen, people get married young, I mean really young, like 12, 13 year old.

It was at this point in the discussion that I began to feel distinctly uneasy. My Islamic consciousness battled with my rationale as I listened to all the brothers agreeing that, yes, early marriage was a protection, was preferable, was the Sunnah etc. I panicked for a moment, thinking, 'I should not be here, in this discussion, right now.'

But, it was at that moment that the presenter began to introduce me and I realised I would have to say something. Would I dare challenge the Shaykh's view, would it be right to do so? Did I have any evidence for my opinion?

I took a deep breath and uttered a brief 'bismillah' before the presenter 'passed me the mic'.
I tried to compose my thoughts and sound as calm and unemotional as possible. I think, in all, I made the following points:

I started by saying that, in the West, we have seen the fruits of women and men delaying marriage in order to build their careers first. I thought of the many articles and studies I had read, in particular this one from the Atlantic in the States. And I said that that is one extreme.
- But, on the other hand, we must realise that, while the moral and social benefits of earlier marriage are clear and are supported by Islam, 'early marriage' is a relative term. The caller who rang in and said that she had her daughters married 'really young' was referring to them being 17, 18, 19. The Shaykh's definition of young was 12, 13. I said, to those of us raised in the West, 12, 13 year olds are still children.

While in most traditional societies, and certainly during the time of the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam, reaching puberty meant you were ready for adult responsibilities, our youth, while being afforded many freedoms once they reach their teen years, are not brought up to take on adult responsibility at that time. This is mainly due to the influence of modern (aka Western) ideas about adolescence. The classic example being, they can have sexual relations from 16 (and are now sexually active at 11, 12) but are still considered 'too young' to get married.

So, my point is this: what 14 year old boy, brought up in modern society, is ready to get married and, by extension, start a family? He is not a man! HE IS NOT A MAN! Would you happily entrust your daughter to one of these boys who is still into playing computer games and hanging out at the mall? I could hear the brothers agreeing (I think!)

The presenter offered that different societies had different interpretations of what constitutes an early marriage. But still the Shaykh insisted: "Even if I have to support my son financially, have him and his wife stay with me, I must protect him from the fitnah that awaits him on the street as a young man. The same applies to my daughter."
He spoke more about how families should be facilitating these marriages, rather than forcing the young people to wait until they have fulfilled criteria that have no basis in Islam.

And do you know what, the more he spoke, the more I began to like the idea of my sons having a 'little wife' at 18, so that they can grow together, go on adventures together, travel, learn, see the world, protecting each other. Ahhh, what a sweet set-up.

But still, I had questions for the Shaykh: what about setting a condition in the contract that the girl finish her education, what about using birth control until she has completed her studies.
Hey, i had to ask! If you're talking about getting married at 16, even if you have an agreement that you will finish school, once the babies start coming, and for most Muslims they inevitably do, that schooling is out of the window.
Not to mention the fact that many young girls don't really know what they want out of life and, by extension, what kind of husband they would like. Would they like to work, to study, to teach, to give da'wah, to be homemaker, to travel, to live abroad? These are questions she may not have the answers to but will be greatly affected by the type of man she marries.

The Shaykh was reluctant to give a fatwa right then and there but i believe he said something to the effect that, if this fear of getting pregnant is enough to stop her getting married earlier, it may be permissible for them to do this for a while.
Pheww.... that's that sorted.

But, to be honest, another thing that concerned me was that marriage was being spoken about purely in terms of fulfilling one's desires in a halal way. Ergo, if you are ready for sex, you are ready for marriage.
Is it really that simple?
I thought marriage was a relationship between two people, a relationship that requires a certain level of emotional maturity and a high degree of responsibility and patience.
I hate to think that the kind of silliness that takes place between preteens and teenagers who are dating would be duplicated inside a marriage!

I dearly wished we could have followed up the discussion but, unfortunately, the show came to an end and all my questions were left hanging in my mind.
So i decided I had to blog instead.

I suppose, for me personally, early marriage is in your late teens, early twenties. But more importantly, both parties have to feel ready, emotionally AND physically for that crazy, wonderful journey that is love and marriage.

So, although I entered the discussion with my heart pounding and my head spinning, I left it with a different viewpoint, a lot calmer - and a whole lot more questions!

Til the next time, Huda TV - if they ever let me on again, that is!

A new digital magazine for fabulous Muslim women!

2007-05-04T15:45:00.000+01:00

Alhamdulillah, my baby has been born! No, not the latest in a long line of boys but my latest publishing venture: SISTERS, a new digital magazine for fabulous Muslim women.

We are justifiably excited about this new 'baby' - it is something that sisters have been waiting for for a long long time.

May Allah accept it from us, ameen.
Find out more about SISTERS at www.sisters-magazine.com.

Wasalaamu alaikum
N.

A Calm voice in the storm

2006-10-28T23:22:00.000+01:00

Bismillah

No, the calm voice in the sea of this 'Operation Veil Storm' isn't mine. Have a look at this piece of reflection - it had me nodding my head all the way...

Veil hang-ups may pass

Huw Thomas
Published: 27 October 2006
Recent news reports about the wearing of the niqab have raised important questions about inclusion

For years I worked in a school where a number of memorable parents wore the niqab, a full veil. These women taught me a lot about Islam. They also challenged my understanding of inclusion. However strange I felt in our first encounters, I now remember their faces with fondness. Aisha Azmi’s tribunal, coming in the wake of Jack Straw’s discomfort over veil-wearing, challenges our society from the top down. When government minister Phil Woolas calls for her sacking, saying she “can’t do her job”, I have to ask whether he’s taken any time out of publicity-seeking to explore alternatives. If not, can I call for his sacking?When Mr Straw clumsily complains that veils make him “uncomfortable”, I can’t help but wonder if the key to community relations really is to keep men like him comfy. Would he like us to fetch his slippers as well? He needs to guard against turning a preference for facial contact into a need. And when the Prime Minister refers to the veil as “a mark of separation”, I have to point out that he usually wears a tie. If ever a silly piece of clothing reinforced separatism it’s that absurd, class-bound strip of silk.Surely these hang-ups are in the eyes of the beholders. I can’t help but think that if Ms Azmi’s face-covering was the result of some form of facial scarring, then these ministers and her local council would bend over backwards to accommodate her. The real issue is that this case tests our society. It begs the question: rather than remove the veil around Ms Azmi’s eyes, can we confront the blinkers around our own? Inclusion starts with the assumption that Ms Azmi should be free to wear a veil. I’m sick of non-Muslim commentators pontificating about how the Koran doesn’t require the wearing of the veil. Like any faith, Islam has varieties within it. The fact is, for Ms Azmi’s variety this is a matter of conviction. Let us also dispense with the assumption that wearing the niqab is inevitably an act of submission to dominant males. We should start from the assumption that the veil is here to stay, then calmly look at how Ms Azmi can keep her job. Her choice does raise issues. I would want to investigate the wearing of a veil while teaching phonics, where the mouth may need to be uncovered, but I would also urge a look at adapting classrooms or timetabling to enable this to happen. In my previous school, I needed to cough loudly to let veil-wearers know that I was entering their coffee morning. Such working together recognises that our schools should be showcases of inclusion. We would also work better together if, instead of asking women to remove the veil, we asked them why they wear it? I can honestly say such conversations shifted my perception of the whole matter. Personally, I still don’t think women need to wear them, but I understand why they do.I hope the sort of change I’m arguing for is the stuff of our future. According to a recent poll, only 31 per cent of 18 to 24-year-olds share Mr Straw’s discomfiture, compared with 65 per cent of over-65s. Given the right example, the generation coming through will one day ask why there was ever a debate. Nobody these days questions the licence with which we permit married women to teach, something forbidden prior to 1945. Given time, we’ll get used to it, and so will the kids in our classrooms. I think of the excellent Emmaus Catholic and Church of England primary in Liverpool, an ecumenical school in a city where the uniting of faith traditions has been a hot potato. I once asked the head and governors what the key lesson was for working together. Their answer was that, as they began to collaborate, they found that the Catholics had to look out not for their own tradition but that of their Anglican partners. And their Anglican friends did likewise. Similarly, could it be that inclusion requires us to look out not for ourselves but for those we include? Anyone can re-hash the well-established practices of multiculturalism, but the real measure of inclusion isn’t what you embrace already. It’s about how much wider your arms can reach.

Huw Thomas is head of Emmaus Catholic and Church of England school, Sheffield.
His latest book, Steps in Leadership, is published by David Fulton

Return of the Blog

2006-10-14T19:50:00.000+01:00

Bismillah
What a terrible shame it is to begin something and leave it unfinished! That is how I feel about my blog - so much promise and then nothing...
Well, it is my intention to return to my blog insha Allah and get as much out of it as possible this time.

So, I will begin by quoting someone else's words, the words of a very talented Muslimah based out in the States named Maliha. This being the month of the Qur'an (Ramadhan), I thought I would share with you her piece entitled 'The Qur'an: When Beauty Speaks'. Enjoy...

In the time before I had any real memories to keep; its rhythm lulled me within warm layers of comfort. Later, my soul would be hushed in quiet awe; when I heard melodious voices of various degrees competing to perfect its recitation. Within those hazy recollections, I can pick out strands of soulful expressions blaring from the tapes my mother would play during those busy mornings when I would keep my eyes shut a moment longer to let its beauty soak into my soul.
An eternal memory etched into my consciousness displays my mother; sitting on her favorite spot on the couch, reciting in her usual matronly cadence, heavy with a touch of softness; methodical with no hint of haste. She regularly welcomes the first sun rays with her own host of Angels.
During those times when I couldn’t fully discern the lines between reality and imagination; and everything was touched by sparkles of magic and carried on wings of fantasy; I remember still being impacted. Somehow every time I heard what were then incomprehensible verses and words, all the noises around me would mute and inside I would be perfectly still, trying to listen, to discern. The potency of those moments nestled within my budding sensibility stayed with me, ingraining my first and most fundamental lesson in poetry:
For a collection of words to qualify the elite circle of what is deemed poetic; it must move not mountains but souls (and all dusty matter crumbles in its wake).
A timeless eternity later and I am steeped in its verses; every year unfolding more layers of meaning that sometimes shatters the comfortable boundaries I have foolishly drawn for my mind.
My journey through its pages is a living testament to the highs and lows of my own spiritual state.
Those few precious moments, when every word reverberates through my being; when I feel adored in its light; gently chastised by the beauty of its compassion; those indescribable moments when my soul is called from a far distance to pay attention to all that I am supposed to remember but apt to forget.
The cyclical nature of my own seasons keep me going back; to re-learn the fundamental whys of my existence; to retrace the path of mankind; our downfall and rise; our foolishness and arrogance. I keep going back to seek causes and consequences; to grasp responsibility and meaning.
I go back to find an imprint of His signs when my vision fails to discern beauty. When the eloquence around me is muted; I turn to its pages for inspiration.
At times the walls of this world threaten to cage me and I feel too large for my surroundings; I then go trekking the unseen uncovering timeless archetypes drawn and redrawn implanting imperceptible seeds of truth pregnant with wisdom deep into my soul. Historic wars and epochs, transcendent personalities embodying grace; exhortations and remembrances; Angels and Jinns; Hell and Heaven; Light and Darkness; Twin souls of sleep and death; I trail the outer limits of our space and time and come back with a shifted perspective, the largess of the universe overwhelms me once more.
Other times I am all a raging storm of conflict, fighting the verses with bitter tears, questioning why? Why the suffering, the inanity of this life when death beckons in every direction? My fingers strike lightning across the pages and I rage, raining tears of pent up frustrations, finding those bookmarks of comfort and losing my self over and over again; until I am spent. When the billows of darkness recede, I find myself alone and realize how foolish I looked fighting my own soul.
From a young age I was taught the proper rules of its recitation, which I keep breaking and forgetting, remembering and neglecting; and I can’t quite recall the time when I didn’t understand at least the surface meaning of the words. Yet, every time I peel a layer, I am faced with the certainty of how little I really know; and the profound gulf that exists between my Creator and I.
I implore Him by all the Names He has taught me; O’ Compassionate One , ya Merciful, O’ Knower of All Subtleties, Forgiving, Wise, My ultimate Protector, O’ Ever Living, Source of All Goodness, Perfection, O’ Guiding Light, Originator of all that came into existence, O’ source of peace…
I appeal to Him through all the rote prayers that were drilled into me as a young child; which I repeated at first dutifully, at times resentfully, hurriedly, sadly, absently, and pushed until one day something broke within me; and words, prayers, actions melded together into one large heart rending inarticulate space keeping me prostrated by the weight of all that I should be grateful and penitent for. That place where the illusion of “I” is emptied and I am left begging, pleading, reaching “Ya Salaam, Ya Salaam, Ya Rahman, Ya Raheem”…and nothing matters…nothing matters…nothing matters, except Him.
And at times I still forget.
So when Ramadhan descends yet again and the doors that are closed are opened (momentarily) and those that are open are closed (momentarily); the weight of those verses take a hold of my soul and with crystal clarity everything comes back again; and I remember again to never take this window for granted. Somehow this window encompasses my whole life.
As I hold these reverent pages in my trembling hands; time stops; the world is on mute and my soul is once again suspended in the audience of her Fashioner in that place where silence is complete and emptiness engulfs everything. And yet again, I am left standing, bare, alone with the piercing realization that I have run out of excuses and my time is finally up.

Taken from her blog entitled Lightness of Being... deep and truly beautiful, thrilling the poetic soul, stirring yearning in the heart of the beliver, to be that close...

JazakAllahu khairan wasalaam until the next time...
Na'ima B.

First Impressions

2006-05-21T22:07:00.000+01:00

Bismillah,

What a difference three days makes! I have only been in South Africa since Thursday morning and it feels like a month away from home. Could it be because of the sheer intensity of these last few days? No doubt.

These last few days have become a blur of faces and places, speeches, chance encounters, laughter, tears, inspiration and exhaustion. Amazing! Masha Allah!

After every event, be it a visit to a madrassah, a sisters' gathering, a talk, a gala dinner, a bookstore appearance or interview with a journalist, I have tried to record mentally the sights, sounds and memories. But alas! I have not yet had time to fully document all these amazing experiences. Although my journal pages are being filled, the story is making little progress: there is so much to write about.

So let me just try to convey a little of the experience.
We are staying in a guest house in Lenasia, a predominantly Indian area in Johannesburg, or Gauteng. 'Indian' is the term that is used to refer to what we would call 'Asians'. The guest house is neat and spacious, on a quiet residential street lined by medium-sized houses with a penchant for asymetrical architecture and Roman-style pillars. At night, the house is lit up by purple and green lights. That, coupled with the bright green curtains in our room, means that it always lookes like it is almost Fajr time at night.

The store that is stocking From My Sisters' Lips is a quiet 5 minute drive away, past a park of scrubby grass and a school surrounded by red red earth. The children seem to be on break all the time, judging by the noise! Not that we have had much time to savour these sounds of carefree youth - we have not spent an afternoon at the lodge since that first day! After we settled our bags at the lodge, we were whisked off by our lovely hostess to the mall where the store is located - a bright and airy building not unlike others I have seen in Pakistan and Egypt. All white tiles and atriums and escalators and water features.

After a delicious meal at a local steak house chain, (should I name-drop? Ok, it was Spurs. And no, they are not paying me to advertise for them!) we returned to the lodge to change for the evening's entertainment. This was a fairly informal dinner with the women of the broadcasting family. Well, there I met some real characters! The radio presenter who is famous for having brought previously taboo subjects up for discussion on her show but who has now dropped out of the ratrace and presents a lifestyle magazine-style show instead! We got into a fascinating conversation about all sorts of topics, so much so that we were blissfully unaware when all the delicious food had been cleared away and the gathering were patiently waiting for the 'sister Na'ima from the YouKay' to give them a talk. I met the wife of one of the team that will be bringing the Chicken Cottage chain to South Africa - chicken and chips with a twist: theirs will incorporate fried chicken, grilled chicken (a la Nandos, arguably one of South Africa's best exports!) and rotisserie-style chicken. I tasted some of their garlic chicken and it was wonderful, masha Allah - let's see if it catches on in the YouKay...
I met the auntie who after 31 years is still called a 'new Muslim'; the auntie who left her drug-dependant husband in the YouKay and returned to South Africa and, after 20 or so years, married again (she did have a twinkle in her eye, masha Allah!); I also met a group of crazy sisters who were full of fun and interesting stories, including a theory that the reason ISlam didn't spread when the Indians came to South Africa was that they never 'ate the onion of the land'. This curious expression is meant to be taken from a hadith or narration where the Muslim is advised to eat the onion of the land, meaning marry the women of that country. This sparked a very lively debate about polygamy and whether sisters should be pushing their husbands out to 'eat those onions'. Needless to say, there were few takers, until we were all castigated by a widow who showed us the other side of the monogamy coin: that of widows having to fend for themselves and their children without any support, let alone a loving relationship... This gave everyone something to think about. We talked late into the night, so late that our host was frantic with worry taht we would not be able to get enough rest. But there were so many sisters to meet, so many things to talk about! That first night left me with a warm glow and happy anticipation for the days to come.
More about those when I next get access to the Internet insha Allah. And please remind me to tell you about the sister who is being held back from Allah by her own reflection in the mirror...
Til the next time
Wasalaam
N.

That old devil

2006-05-16T13:07:00.000+01:00

Bismillah

Shaitaan is on my back.
He's on the attack.
He won't leave it alone
Until I turn back.

The night before I left for South Africa, I said what I had been feeling all evening, I said it aloud: 'I don't want to go'. I'm thinking of packing, of forgetting things and remembering them again, of my family left behind, of my family that awaits. I'm thinking of confusion and misunderstandings, of a crisis of confidence: 'I shouldn't be doing this. I'm not who they think I am'. Maybe it's that old devil, Shaitaan, trying to throw me off-course, wanting me confused, disoriented, creating bad feelings to leave behind as mementoes.

Then... calm.
Allah is the author of all that exists, all that has been and will be.
And He has written this for me.

For what purpose? To what aim? As a test? As a reward? As an opportunity to grow? In all of life's ups and downs, there is an chance to grow. From the stillest and most meaningful of prayers when your heart is tranquil, your limbs at ease, your focus firmly fixed on your Lord, your Creator, Al-Wadood, Ar-Rahman; fixed on your ultimate goal and your ultimate end. This is a chance to grow.
From the bitter pain of a lost or stolen dream, when your heart cries out and your tears sear your cheeks - and you are forced to re-focus and reflect and find acceptance and find peace. This is a chance to grow.

So I pray that, whatever this trip has in store, of good or bad, I will take the opportunity to grow and come back enriched and refreshed, inspired and energised. For grow I must, in closeness to my Lord, as a Muslim, as a woman, as a sister and a friend.

There is so much work to be done.
Am I woman enough to do it?
N.

"I take refuge within Allah's perfect words which no righteous or unrighteous person can transgress, from all the evil that He has created, made and originated. (I take refuge) from the evil that descends from the sky and the evil that rises up to it. (I take refuge) from the evil that is spread on the earth and the evil that springs from her and I take refuge from the evil of the tribulations of night and day and the evil of the one who visits at night except the one who brings good, O Merciful One."
Du'a said to ward off the deception of the obstinate shayateen; Ahmad with an authentic chain

To blog or not to blog...

2006-05-05T14:47:00.000+01:00

Bismillah

"To blog or not to blog,
That is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler and more pious
To keep ones deeds and thoughts
Private and hidden away
Or to take arms against a sea of misconceptions,
Apathy and ignorance
And, in doing so, end them..."
A William Shakespeare and Na'ima B. Production

"Well, everyone else is doing it, why can't I?" I asked myself before succumbing to curiosity and the excitement of something new and signing up to join the bloggers' universe.
As a Muslim, and a Muslim woman at that, I had to ask myself why. Why did I want to join the fray and launch my thoughts onto the world wide web for all to see? Well, a part of me thought against it. After all, what about riyah, what about hiding your sins as well as your good deeds, and all of that?
And then I thought about the other side of the coin: sharing your life's journey, sharing what you learn, maybe even inspiring and advising others as you yourself are inspired? I thought about it long and hard then decided to give it a go (obviously!)

This blog is quite specific: it is a record I intend to keep of my travels, local and international, sharing the journey, describing the places, people and things I see and do. Through this, I hope to create a blog that will be interesting, thought-provoking and meaningful; a tall order, I know!
Well, if you are reading this and you know me, please send me a shout-out. If you don't know me, read my book and you soon will!
I hope that this journey is blessed. Climb aboard the ship, come one, come all. May we all benefit in this life and the Next, ameen.
Wasalaam
N.

Intro

2006-05-04T04:18:00.000+01:00

Asalaamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu!